Welcome back folks to the monthly feature that seems to be a nice place for me to get my quickie thoughts out of the way, because a whole article about one movie -- let's face it -- bores me to tears. It's time for the rundown!

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX (PG-13)

Awww....gawd. Where to begin? Cho is Margaret now? Weasley Is Our King apparently never happened. Grawp, I guess, doesn't speak and looks like he was made by CGI in 1995. Director David Yates misses the boat completely on what the book felt like with the darkness of it....instead we get an almost Tim Burton-like semi-dark pile of crap that resembles the book about 20%, and that's being kind. And for those of you who say, "If you want the movie to be more like the book, just go read the book!" Well, why not have it be -- I don't know --- at least somewhat like the reason it's being made (i.e. - the fucking book)? The actors are great in it, but the pacing is horrible and it's edited together like a music video. A very disappointing effort considering the 5th book was so great.

THE DARJEELING LIMITED (R)

Have you ever felt while you watched a film like you knew it was about to end, but you didn't want it to? That's how I felt almost 90 minutes in to Darjeeling. Wes Anderson, in my opinion, creates his best film since Rushmore in this journey story of three wayword brothers who are trying to get back together and become brothers again on a train through India. Owen Wilson is actually the stand out here, and gives his best performance, since, well....ever. There's a certain harshness and a certain happiness to the film, but it blends well together and doesn't get too much of either. If you aren't a Wes Anderson fan, you may like it less than I did, but I fortunently am an Anderson fan, so I don't have to worry about things like that.

MICHAEL CLAYTON (R)

Talk about a film that has been overhyped. With all the buzz that this got during Oscar time, I was going into it thinking I would see something special. What I got was a largely stylized Law & Order episode pretending to matter more than it did. Why should I have cared about a single character in Michael Clayton? Even the girl who was being wronged by the high-powered agricultural company I didn't care about, because they really didn't go into details about the actual case that we were supposed to care about. I was mystified to realize that critics would blow George Clooney that much (not that he doesn't give a good performance, he does), but Oscar worthy? I can think of at least 3 performances that mattered more than this one that didn't get nods this year, and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN No Country For Old Men or There Will Be Blood. Was this good? Yes, it was interesting. Was it deserving of the hype? Absolutely not.

THE BRAVE ONE (R)

Jodi Foster stars in this melodramatic film that takes itself far too seriously, and thinks it does right by it's preaching, when all it does is make us question the sanity of the film's director for believing that revenge-tripping is perfectly acceptable. He doesn't apologize for it in the slightest. Terrence Howard gives a good performance as the cop trying to stop Foster and her vigilante ways. Ultimately the director comes to the conclusion to make this perfectly acceptable (as I said) by giving us the explanation "in this situation", which I guess is supposed to get us off the question. Anyway, it's hokey in spots, ridiculous in others, and the only really good thing about the convulted story is Foster and Howard.

HOT ROD (PG-13)

I've come to the conclusion that Andy Samberg is the type of comedian who isn't for everyone. Almost in the same vein as Steve Martin, except a little more stupid. That's really hard to say, considering Martin's first big flick was "The Jerk", one of the literally dumbest films ever made (not that that's a bad thing).The "little more stupid" from Samberg, however, would come in the form of Hot Rod, a 90-minute SNL digital short. It does have a few really funny moments, and for some reason, I saw it a second time and found myself laughing more than I did the first time. It appears to be one of those movies that gets funnier over time and I guess by the amount of times you see it. Actually....that's just like "The Jerk".

GONE BABY GONE (R)

Keeping in mind I have not yet seen well-received films like No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood and Juno yet, Gone Baby Gone is so far to me the best film of the year. Ben Affleck, in his directorial debut, gets it right his first time. His view of Boston is gritty but beautiful -- the way a Bostonian would probably view it. The story is put together in such a way that there isn't a weak spot the entire film. A young girl turns up missing, so the girl's aunt and uncle hire two young private investigators to find her. Casey Affleck and Michelle Monaghan give spectacular performances. If there were a way to give someone an Oscar based off of his entire year's worth of performances, Casey Affleck would win hands down. Also lending great supporting roles are Amy Ryan (who was nominated for an Oscar for her performance as the girl's drugged out mother), Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman. If someone asked me today what movie you should see out of everything I've seen this year, I would say this one. It is without fault.

AMERICAN GANGSTER (R)

Ridley Scott teams up once again with Russell Crowe (Gladiator, A Good Year) and Denzel Washington (Crimson Tide) to do this film, set in the late 70's about one of the men responsible for bringing in large quantities of heroine from vietnam during that period. He's the Harlem gangster Frank Lucas. The film at times meanders along, plodding and not quite entertaining at times because it gets repetitive and almost intentionally so. Crowe and Washington do give good performances, and the film in most aspects is compelling and ultimately satisfying, but there is a lack of action and a lack of subplot interest to make the film a needed 157 minutes. It could have easily been 110 without hurting anything at all, and it still wouldn't feel rushed.

BALLS OF FURY (PG-13)

Written and Directed by the guys who brought you Reno 911 (which, by the way, I like, making this all the more painful to write). This is supposed to be almost a parody of Enter The Dragon, except with ping pong. The problem is the film is rarely -- if ever -- funny. In order to be a parody, one has to come with the laughs. This doesn't even come close. Randy Daytona (Dan Fogler) is the protagonist who was once a great ping pong player that choked in the Olympics when he was 12 years old. He gets a chance to redeem himself when the FBI needs him to go undercover to stop the evil Feng (Christopher Walken). It's silly and goofy and pretty much every adjective you can think of for "stupid", and it relies too heavily on gags that have been done before and dick, fart, and blind guy jokes that have been done better. It's an almost embarrassing mess, and if I were the Reno guys, I would try to forget it ever happened.

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Published in : Reviews, Please Gouge Out My Eyes: Movie Reviews

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